NotSoMuch Fate
by Charmisjess
Summary: The grisly and unfortunate consequences of really, really ticking off QuiGon Jinn. Marysue parodyspoof.
1. Default Chapter

Author's note: Well, before I begin posting this, I'd like to take a moment to thank those Mary Sue writers that made this parody possible. I apologize for making fun of their sphere, for now that I have tried to write in it, I realize how difficult it truly is. I have read and enjoyed many a Mary Sue adventure into Star Wars world, and I hope that those who write them will excuse my little fun here. ï

Chapter One: In Which We Learn That Crosswalks Are Our Friends

I had never found anything odd about myself.  
  
First of all, before you immediately begin to judge me, allow me to drive that point home. I was a regular, attention-deficit, over-imaginative child, who blossomed overtime into a massively dysfunctional young woman. Normalcy leaked out at every crack.  
  
There was just that little Star War's thing, and my huge emotional handicaps. But that's being really nit-picky, I think.  
  
And then it happened. My normal, average existence was crushed like a bug under a bantha. No, I'm not bent. But this brought me pretty dern close. Frankly, I blame Qui-Gon.  
  
My story is always the odd one. Most people get into situations like the one I found myself in by opening a strange book, stepping through a mysterious mirror portal, saying a crazy incantation and opening the rift in the time-space continuum or some silly nonsense like that. Myself, I got hit by a truck.  
  
When I think back on the incident that began it all, I feel rather foolish. I just don't think about things logically sometimes. I can look back and think of all the many things I should have done differently. Like crossing the street to get to a coffee shop in the first place.  
  
I just shouldn't have been wearing my headphones, dark sunglasses and been jay-walking in traffic all at the same time. 'Duel of the Fates' screamed vaguely in my ears. The sun was blinding to the traffic. I just wanted to cross the road, get to the coffee shop on the other side. I just wanted espresso. That would have been okay. But it was not so.  
  
I felt the hot roar of the oncoming tractor trailer rather than heard it. It didn't occur to me to walk faster. Pedestrians had the right-of-way in America, didn't they?  
  
Apparently they did not.  
  
Darkness enveloped my vision, and that point was really driven home. The blinding embrace of my own mortality crushed me. I could still feel the heat of the truck, my CD still spinning its morbid tune in my ears, a lingering taste of life, as an insects limbs will twitch even after death. Then I suppose the rest of the truck hit me, because I felt nothing.  
  
I didn't know it then, but that's when it all really started.  
  
It was really freaking hot. The thought formed clearly in empty space, then faded.  
  
"Ow. Ow. Ow."  
  
I still couldn't see anything, and that in itself was terrifying. I knew in the tiny portion of my mind devoted to logic that I had to be dead, there was no way I could have survived my silly caper into the street. And yet, my head was pounding so badly...for it to hurt this bad, I had to be alive...  
  
"Ow..." I hissed again, and heard my own voice echo in my ears. This was getting idiotic. I rolled over, and to my surprise, felt sandy grit against my face. So then was I still on the highway? Perhaps the truck had merely half-pancaked me...  
  
"Ah, you're awake. Lie still, you're wounded...did you fall off one of the caravans?" A soft voice, strangely familiar, interrupted my musings on mortality. Panic suddenly flooded through me. I was not alone wherever I had ended up. I froze.  
  
"I'm just going to take a look at your shoulder, it seems you've scraped it rather badly...hold still..." The sensation of touch was just coming back to me, and the hand descending onto my throbbing shoulder was startling, to say the least. Immediately I wriggled backward, away from the hand, but I had no where to go, and was in no state to move. My vision was still blurry, all I could make out was a brownish blob reaching toward me. The hands gently moved away the shoulder straps of my shirt. This would not do at all.  
  
Ah, yes, trusty "Pepper Spray." I felt the clip of it still hanging on my jeans where I secured it every time I went walking. A little spray of tear gas, and certainly this punk would leave me be. Feeling weakly clever, I unclipped the canister of mace and made my move. "Wait, just one moment." I whispered. Then, with a little chuckle I raised the canister and sprayed whoever it was directly in the eyes with my Pepper Spray.  
  
The resulting shriek of pain was payment enough for my trouble, and I sniggered as the hand abruptly withdrew. I sprayed the mace a few more times in the direction of the blob and rolled over, attempting to rise shakily. Now would be a good time to run, should my legs cooperate. My vision was beginning to clear, and I could now quite vividly see that I was no longer crossing a street in my hometown. All around me was a brushy wasteland, alien and unfamiliar. I had, if one will excuse a cliché, the strangest feeling I wasn't in America anymore. I stumbled, unsteadily attempting to run, and as I went, I glanced backward over my shoulder. The sight that greeted my newfound vision made me freeze.   
  
A brown-haired young man was vigorously rubbing at his watering eyes, a long slim braid waving over his shoulder as he moved. Although I had never seen him before in real life, I knew him immediately. The broken nose, the shape of the mouth, the way he was dressed, it was unmistakable. I cursed out loud. I had just pepper sprayed Padawan Qui-Gon Jinn.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note : Sorry for the delay in update-age, I have quite a few posts of this written too, I'll get them up fasty fast. Thanks for reading, lol, I know, this story is so crazy…I'm loathe to continue it.

Words failed me. I limped back to him, my mind racing. So this had to be a hallucination. Just a silly hallucination. I would wake up at any moment and find myself in some emergency room hooked to tubes with doctors standing over me telling me I had quite a bump on the head and was lucky to be alive. Yes, that would be it. I was embellishing on this beautiful scene in my mind when he spoke again, his tone pinched with pain.

"What in Sith did you do that for!" He scrubbed desperately at his eyes, trying to rid them of the burning irritant with little success. "I was trying to help you—" The young Jedi shuddered, involuntary tears coursing down his cheeks.

"Oh, um, yes, uh...sorry about that..." I heard myself murmur distractedly. Inside, I wanted to laugh hysterically. I was talking to Qui-Gon Jinn. I tried to calm the insane fangirl within me and come to my senses. "Yeah-here, you're gonna want to flush your eyes with water..." I looked around. "Okay, I don't have any water. Um, keep rubbing your eyes then."

He gave a little choked noise and unhooked a small canister of water, pouring it over his face, and then resumed frantic rubbing. "What was that! Is it permanent?"

I sat down uneasily, still feeling slightly dizzy. "No...no..." I mumbled absently, watching him. "It's just a temporary disabling thing...you won't go blind or anything..."

Qui-Gon squeezed his eyes closed. "It feels like it's burning my whole face..."

"Yeah, it won't burn your eyes out, don't worry." I mused, chewing my lip, studying him. "But I am sorry. I thought you were attacking me or something..."

He glared at me through streaming eyes. "I said I was checking the cut on your shoulder. I told you what I was doing!"

"Hmmm.." I murmured, as noncommital as I could. It seemed a good time for this hallucination to end.

The boy gave his eyes a final dispirited rub, and straightened up. "How did you get all the way out here, anyway?" He nodded at my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

For the first time I really noticed that I was bleeding. My jeans were ragged and bloody, and I had a nasty scrape across one shoulder. I didn't know much about hallucinations, but I thought as a general rule you weren't supposed to hurt yourself in them. A mild uneasiness settled in the region of my stomach. I squinted at Qui-Gon. "uh..." I noticed he flinched when I moved, probably still wary of my Pepper spray. "I really don't know. I think I'm okay..." I brushed off my jeans and winced. "Where are we?"

He glanced around. "I was hoping you might tell me that." He sighed, casting a weary eye around the scrubby shrubs and rocky dirt. "I was chased out here, uh, negotiations didn't go so well...it looks like just a wasteland to me."

I rolled my eyes. Silly Qui-Gon-hallucination.

"Well, no duh, I can _see_ it's a wasteland." I ignored the strange look he was giving me. "I mean, what planet are we on? How long until this silly dream ends?" A sudden random thought occurred to me. I vaguely remembered a Simpson's episode where something like this had happened-a guardian angel had taken on the form of a fictional character to prove a point. Perhaps I should not have thought aloud, however.

I clapped my hands with delight at my own cleverness. "OH! Maybe you're my guardian angel, taking on the form of someone I recognize so I won't be weirded out by your powerful angel-form! Ha, I get it now! So, what do I get, three wishes? A second shot at life?" I started at him expectantly.

Qui-Gon didn't look quite as thrilled at my realization. In fact, he looked rather unsure. He took a few steps backward, as if expecting me to charge at him any moment. "What are you...?" I could read blank confusion in his eyes. "What!"

"Um..." I stalled, pinching myself repeatedly, beginning to feel a little bit more than simply _nervous_. Something told me that this was nothing like the aforementioned Simpson's episode. "Never mind, the heat must be getting to me..." I attempted a chuckle, but I doubted with Qui-Gon one could just laugh anything off. I could almost see the different thoughts whirling behind his intense blue eyes. I wanted so badly to just break down and explain everything. It was Qui-Gon Jinn, if anyone in the universe would understand...if anyone _could_ understand, it would be him, and yet...

I didn't really know him. I had written him in stories for years, but I hadn't ever met him. Yet he was a stranger to me. And now I was beginning to think my characterization had been off the whole time.

This was just getting too strange. I shook my head, starting to feel dizzy, and turned away from him. "Uh, I'll just go now, sorry about the can of mace-see ya 'round, Quigs...oh dear..." I staggered off.

"What did you just call me!" His voice was almost panicked-at least, as close to panic as I had ever heard it.

"Um..." I was _such _an idiot. I wanted to cry. Maybe he would kill me for being annoying... "I...don't...remember?" I bluffed, staggering away from him.

"Wait, wait, slow down..how did you...?" In about two steps he covered the distance I had painfully placed between him and myself. He seemed about to ask something, but then stopped and frowned. "Do you know what heat exhaustion is? Maybe you ought not to go wandering off..." He reached out, to take my hand, I suppose, but obviously thinking better of it, stopped himself.

"Yeah, believe me, that's the least of my problems. Now leave me alone or I'll spray you again..." I tried to limp away.

"What's your name?" He looked almost bemused and I could see that glazed over 'love for pathetic life form' look beginning to flicker in his eyes.. I wanted to hit him.

"Charm..." I muttered my own name automatically, trying to stop my head from spinning so much. It was really _so_ hot... I paused, rubbing my temples. I felt like I was going to be sick. If this was all really just some sort of hallucination, then it was a rather crappy one.

"That's an odd name."

"Yeah, well, maybe I think _Qui-Gon_ is an odd name!" I scoffed, turning back to him. I watched his face drain of color and then remembered that he hadn't introduced himself yet. Whoops. "I mean, I hear some people are called Qui-Gon-in this galaxy that is-heh-of course this galaxy, what other galaxies are there-but, it's an odd name, just, erm, in passing, don't you think?" I heard myself give a high-pitched, frightened laugh. "Not saying that _your_ name is Qui-Gon or something, is it? Haha, that would be a freaky coincidence!" I tried to backtrack, but it was a sad, futile attempt. I was just digging myself into a deeper pit. I sighed, fanning myself with one hand. "So, um, the heat is really hot, wouldn't you say, whoever you are?"

He stared at me for a very long time. It was far too difficult for me to meet his eyes, so instead I stared down awkwardly and shifted my weight from one foot to another. I tried not to think about how stupid I must have sounded. I actually tried to go to my happy place, but perhaps the truck had knocked it out of me.

Finally, the Padawan spoke. His eyes were narrowed in concentration, his normally soft tone tinged with intensity. "Who _are_ you, really?"

"Charm. I told you. I don't know. Leave me alone." I staggered off, trying to concentrate on not throwing up. That would be really great-to puke all over Qui-Gon Jinn. It would cap off the day's events rather nicely. I stumbled over a rock in my effort to get away from him, but I didn't fall. He had me by the back of my shirt, apparently.

"Alright, Charm, or whatever your name is," Qui-Gon sighed, gently pulling me back. "you're obviously suffering from heat exhaustion, and so I'm choosing to ignore the fact that I know you are being completely deceitful.." He swallowed; obviously this interview was taking a lot out of him. I almost felt sorry for him, really. He continued on. "But we need to get out of the suns and back to the city somehow. Maybe then we can find your family..."

Ah, I was charity. I smirked. How quaint.

"...or where ever you belong. My Master is in orbit, if we could get a hold of him, perhaps he could use his tracker to find us-do you have a comm link?"

"I've got a cell phone, but I think it's broken, the truck kind of hit it..."

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow at me. "The truck?"

I was about to reply, when something brushed over my hair. I gave a little start, and whirled. I could have sworn I heard a soft hissing sound... "Did-did you see that?"

Qui-Gon hesitated. Another little hiss sang through the air, and I saw a small object zip past my ear.

"Ewww, bees!" I yelped, squirming around. "I hate bees, ew, Qui-Gon, get them off!" I didn't mind so much the fact that I sounded like a whiney little girl, I really didn't want a wasp to land in my hair. With my luck, it would be some sort of poison wasp... "What was that! Is it on me!"

Qui-Gon stared in the direction from whence the little missiles had come. His eyes narrowed. "Charm, get down!"

I dropped instinctively, not really thinking about what I was doing until I was back on the ground. "Um, what is it?"

"I want you to stay right there next to that boulder...don't move..." he ordered, striding off in the direction of the wasps. The boy paused, and then gave me a considering look. "Wait-you ought to take this." He tossed a black object my way. "Do you know how to use that?"

I stared at the thing I had just barely managed to catch, and my breathing stopped for a moment. It was a blaster. A real, actual blaster. I looked back up at him with large eyes.

"Well?"

"Ah..." I looked down at the blaster in my hands. I had never really shot a gun before-well, not a real gun. But when I was a child I had one of those nifty NERF plastic guns, and once my brother had shot me in the leg with his b.b. gun. I assumed that was enough knowledge to be considered 'gun savvy.' I smiled up at Qui-Gon. "of course I know how to use it."

His gaze lingered on mine for a few seconds, long enough for me to know he knew I was lying, but he moved on anyway. I don't think he had a choice. "Right, well, don't move from that spot...I'll be back in a moment..."

I nodded and waved him off, happy to be left alone to inspect the blaster at my own leisure. It was groovy, really. My eyes were almost glowing as I stroked the black metal casing. I wondered idly how much I could pawn it off for on Ebay. Ah, Ebay. The marketplace of the gods!

I amused myself for several moments just looking at the blaster, but soon my curiosity got the better of me. I wondered what it would be like to shoot it, just once. Like in the movies. I glanced around. Qui-Gon was still off playing boy scout, no one would know if I were to shoot it... and Qui-Gon had never quite said _not_ to shoot it...he just said to stay by the boulder. In fact, he wouldn't have asked if I knew how to shoot it if he hadn't _wanted_ me to shoot it. The smile on my face grew as conviction blossomed inside me. Yes, I had to shoot this blaster, just once.

But what to hit? I scanned the desert terrain thoughtfully, trying to pick out an acceptable target. I wanted to hit something substantial, just zapping a rock would not do. The area around me was rather nondescript, it was a typical scrubby, rocky desert. There was a patch of skeleton trees and bushes here and there, and the occasional huge rock. I saw a few brownish lizards skittering over the rocks, but for while I was stupid, I was not particularly cruel, so I left them be. And then, then I saw it. Smack in the center of my vision was a juicy-looking cactus. It was perfect. Thick, turgid leaves stood out from the nest of prickles, creating an exceptional target. I grinned, happily. That was it.

I lined up the end of the blaster with the shrub and took aim. I seldom thought before I acted but this time I felt myself hesitate. I wanted this to be really, really cool.

I pulled the discharge trigger, but did not release for a moment. I remembered from playing 'Jedi Outcast' that this made the blast more powerful.

With a happy smile I released the trigger.

The discharge hurled me backward as the blaster exploded out a bolt of bright light. I shrieked, dropped it, and heard a troublesome explosion as a result. My eyes squeezed shut in terror.

The noise echoed back at me across the rocks ominously. There was a soft shower of pebbles and dust, and then, silence.

When I finally ventured to open one eye, and saw the blaster smoking on the ground a few feet from where I was now. I looked up hesitantly. The bush was still there, but most of the terrain around it had been nicely scorched black. A few rocks had been blasted open, and some of the weeds were on fire. My mouth gaped at the destruction I had caused.

"Oooo..." I merrily reached for the blaster. "Let's do that again!"

"CHARM!" Qui-Gon's voice, shrill with panic reached my ears.

"Oh no, the cops are here..." I muttered, dropping the blaster again, trying to look innocent. He stormed into my range of vision, looking horrified.

"What did you do! You just gave away our position!"

My cheeks flushed. "Our...ah...what? Um...no, no I didn't...what are you..."

A shrill scream interrupted my excuses. As I watched in horror, a tribe of natives emerged from the bush, whooping and shrieking and wielding blowguns. They didn't look particularly friendly, come to think.

"...oh..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Wow, it has been a long time. I very much doubt that I have any fanbase left for this story, but I just found a bunch of posts that I never posted back when I was more actively writing it…so….here you are. Thanks for sticking around!

"...oh..." I felt curiously numb, frozen.

"Oh!" Qui-Gon repeated, giving me what I supposed was the equivalent of a disgusted look. His lightsaber was already out and moving. "Get behind me, watch my back!"

"Yeah, okay!" I darted behind him, as the first few darts and bolts began to fly. I held my blaster tightly, too terrified to shot it, but unwilling to let it go. Qui-Gon made up for me, however, returning just as many shots of theirs as he could. A few tribesmen fell, but they were soon replaced by others. It seemed a whole warparty was out for our blood.

"This is what I meant by failed negotiations!" Qui-Gon panted, struggling to keep up with the velocity of the shots. "There are just too many—" he yelped, as a blaster bolt grazed his side.

I cringed behind, him, ducking as a few stray shots passed over us. "So what do we do now?"

Qui-Gon turned, slightly, then inclined his head to a rocky outcropping a little ways away. "Well—" He ducked, and sent a bolt backward to slay its shooter. "I..." The war party advanced closer in. "Hmm..."

I was beginning to fully panic now. "Ah-this is just great, just great, I get hit by a truck, wake up in wacko land, and my Jedi supervisor DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" I shrieked as a smoldering dart landed near my feet.

Qui-Gon nodded to me. "Ah, but I do have a plan." He nodded once more, sending another blast back to its sender. "We're going to make a run for it, cover me!" He turned and ran toward the rocks, grabbing my wrist as he passed. "Come on!"

I squeaked and took off after him, bumping and tripping over the gravel. I think Qui-Gon's so-called 'plan' must have been to take shelter amongst the rocky outcrop, but suffice to say, we didn't get very far. Qui-Gon would probably say it was my fault, but unfortunately for him, that's a lie, and it is my understanding that liars go to hell.

Anyway, we didn't get very far, because right about then Qui-Gon got shot in the back of the leg. He had told me to watch his back, and so I was watching his back. He never said 'watch my back—and my legs.' I think it was his fault, for not being clear. But whatever. He got shot.

Qui-Gon went down like a felled log. In retrospect, I felt pretty bad, to be honest, because he gave the saddest, most pathetic little yelp and tripped as the bolt impacted. But at the time pity or blame was the farthest thing from my mind. I have this beautiful, deep-rooted streak of self-preservation, and it was sort of on overdrive at the moment. The one with the lightsaber had just crumbled like some form of stale graham cracker, and the warparty was closing in on me fast.

However, accident, it seems, can be the fool's savior. It wasn't a pretty move, but it saved both of our lives. I actually ran into Qui-Gon's crumpled form, tripped, and fell into one of the clumps of scraggly bushes that dotted the landscape so frequently.

I hit the dust pretty hard, and it knocked the wind out of me for a moment, giving me time to think. I could hear the whoops of the hunting party getting closer and closer, and managed to curl up closer to my bush. Perhaps if I hid under the bush, they might over look me... It was unlikely, but at this point, I just wanted a place to hide.

In an uncharacteristic wave of pity and compassion, I grabbed for Qui-Gon. "Under here, come on!"

Amazingly, he was still alive...well...perhaps not so much amazingly, since it was only a leg wound-but still! I was vaguely impressed. The Jedi glared at me, and then wiggled his body forward until we were both concealed under the thorny shrubbery.

The natives appeared to be really, really stupid. I could hear them yelling up a storm, and even felt the breeze as they rushed past on either side, but no one seemed to realize that our disappearance hadn't been exactly intentional. Clearly they suspected some form of witchcraft, and headed off toward the rocky outcropping screaming bloody murder to the sky. I resisted a little chuckle. Qui-Gon shot daggers at me.

Neither of us dared speak for a long moment. The war cries faded into the background, and the dust began to settle. I twanged a bit of the thorny branch back and forth to amuse myself while I waited for the all-clear.

Finally Qui-Gon spoke. His voice was a pained whisper. What a wimp.

"...Charm...you..." he closed his eyes, seemingly trying to compose himself. "...I told you to...watch my...back..."

I shrugged, flicking the branch at him from my position on the ground. "Yeah, I did, I was watching! You got shot. I saw..." I nodded, as if to reassure him of this.

He gave me another look of disgust, and shifted, rolling onto his back with a gasp of pain. For a moment, he lay there panting, apparently trying to regain that elusive composure. Then he spoke again. "Are they gone?"

"I think so. Maaaaan, you must have made them really, really mad."

He ignored that, and chewed his lip for a moment. "So, some of them had blasters apparently." I think he was more talking to himself than to me. "so perhaps they have other technology..." His bright blue eyes roved across the scrappy desert for a moment, finally resting with haunting certainty on me. "Charm."

I swallowed, his intense gaze made me uneasy. I knew it. I was about to be used as some form of a twisted Quiggy pawn, like Anakin in Episode 1. "Um, yeah?"

He nodded toward the direction where the men had come. "They'll be back soon, so you're going to need to hurry. I think once they realize we didn't magically transport ourselves to the rocks, they'll come back and do a double sweep. I know I hit some of them, there should be bodies." The Jedi took a breath. "I need you to crawl over to the bodies-mind that you keep your head down-and find me a comlink. Then we can contact my Master and he'll come...take care of things."

I laughed humorlessly. The pain and heat was obviously getting to the poor boy. I snapped the branch at him again. "Heh! You're kidding, right!"

He just stared at me. "No."

Again, I laughed. "Um, no?"

"No..."

"By no, to my question of no, you mean yes, you are kidding, right?"

"No."

"I can't."

"Why?"

I stalled. "...well, heh, see, darling, I have this blood phobia..."

"Phobia?"

"Phobia, it means, like, fear..."

"I know what it means!"

"Well, I kind of do this whole...passy-out thing, when I see blood, so your whole, um, 'crawl amid the corpses' thing isn't going to work out so well."

"Not going to work out so well!" He glared at me incredulously. "Do you want to die or not!"

I squeaked, and crouched further into the bush. "...not particularly..."

"Then get out there!"

My heart was skipping like my cracked Episode 2 Soundtrack CD. "But-don't you think you should go instead? I don't know how to work a comlink! I can't even get my cell phone to work half the time! In fact-what am I talking about-I don't even have a cell phone!"

He smirked and motioned to his leg. "I would go get it, but you got me shot, do you recall?"

I glared at him. "Qui-Gon, I don't even know what a comlink looks like! I'm not from Star Wars world, remember!"

He gave me another odd look. "Are you on spice?" The boy shook his head wearily. "Look, please, just do as I tell you. Or we both die. Just crawl out there. I'll give you directions from there."

I clung to my bush. He couldn't make me. Desperation made gave me strength; panic filled my sugar-water veins with strange purpose. "No-no-no-no-no—"

"Charm, please." He nodded toward the bodies. "It's unpleasant, I know, but it could save our lives. Just go have a look...you're being irrational..."

"Your face is irrational!" I retorted, shocking myself with my own wit. "anyway, I'm telling you, I don't know what a comlink looks like–"

"Go." He waved his hand at me, and narrowed his eyes. "And don't lie to me."

"Oh, yeah, ha! Like that's gonna happe–" I stopped midstream. I suddenly wanted very badly to go crawl around those bodies and find a comlink. Something good was going to happen if I did, and something very bad would happen if I didn't. And sure, I didn't know what a comlink looked like, exactly, but I had seen the movies, hadn't I? Oh yeah, I had. And, oh, my calendar back at home had a picture of Qui-Gon talking into his to Obi-Wan, wow, at this point Obi-Wan wasn't even born yet, was he? Nope, not yet, but in the picture Qui-Gon's comlink was kinda grey-lookin' and it was shiny, and didn't I read about an interview with Lucas saying Qui-Gon's comlink was actually a women's razor they had tweaked to look like a comlink, haha, a women's razor, I wonder if Liam shaved with it—ooooh, Liam----

I stopped. Strangely enough, I was in the middle of the battleground, digging through a dead tribe member's pack. I blinked. How had this come about? I shook my head to clear it, and glanced back toward Qui-Gon. He was looking pleased with himself.

No way.

I looked around desperately for something to throw at him. He hadn't. He couldn't. Ohhh, man, if he had mind-tricked me, I was going to have to break his face, attractive as it may be. My fingers closed around a small metal device, and I wound my arm up to hurl it at him. Qui-Gon began to motion wildly at me. Perhaps he guessed my intentions. I smiled. Oh no, Quigs, you're going down.

Suddenly, the makeshift missel in my hand beeped. I stared at it questioningly. Shiny rocks didn't beep. Ooooh, yes, this must have been the sought after comlink. I continued to make as if to throw it, just to watch Jinn panic. Little twit, mindtricking me—

"Charm! Stop messing around and listen...you're going to need to change the frequency of the link, and punch in my Master's code–can you do that?"

"Okay, what now?" I stopped tormenting him long enough to a look at the device. "how do I change the frequency?"

"Push the triangular button until there's a channel with no static..."

"What button?" I studied it.

"The one shaped like a triangle."

"I don't see it."

He sighed, I heard it, even from the distance. "Every comlink has one. It's a little button on the side shaped like a triangle."

"Nope."

I could hear the frustration in his voice. "Charm, it's there!"

"No, it isn't there. There is no triangular button on this thing." I paused. "There's a entry pad, and a diamond-shaped one on the side you're talking about, but there are no triangles anywhere."

"The diamond-shaped one! That's what I was talking about!"

"Triangles and diamonds are very different, Qui-Gon." I lectured. "Apparently Geometry was not chief on the Temple training agenda, no?"

"Just press the button until there's a channel with no static."

"The kite-shaped button?"

"...whichever one we've just been talking about..."

I pushed the button until there was a satisfactory channel to use. "Next?"

"Put in the code, please. My Master's code for his link is 06071952."

I typed as quickly as I could, beginning to get jittery, as if I'd eaten too much rock candy. I was about to speak with Dooku. _The_ Count Dooku. Oh, good times indeed.

The number clicked through, and I felt like bouncing. I don't suppose it would be too good an idea, with all the secrecy and creeping around and stuff, but I was that excited! Dooku was my hero. He was all...bitter, and dark and angsty. That was hot. Well, not exactly, but-

"Master Dooku, here." The dark velvet voice suddenly broke through the frantic prattle of my thoughts. And my mind went utterly and completely blank in that eternal moment.

There was a long pause over the link while I tried to regain my breath and think of something to say. Something hot, and intelligent, I thought. I wanted to impress him. It was Count Dooku, he was a good guy to be chummy with. But even when I had decided to settle with 'hello,' my lips wouldn't cooperate with me. Hmm. This was a problem I had never had before.

The tone was dry, unamused. "Hello? Who is this?" A heavy sigh. "Is this some sort of joke?" He must have been able to hear my breathing through the connection. I could tell he was about to hang up, and a little blip of impulsiveness I finally replied.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeiiiiiiii! Count Dook!" My word choice might have been a little better, in retrospect.

I could hear utter incredulousness in his voice now. "What!"

"DookyDookDookDook-" I was singing. Again, I might have been a bit more sophisticated.

"Who is this!"

"Oh!" I stopped, trying to come back to myself. I was out-of-control again. Sith, but he had a very sexy voice. "My name's Charm! I already know yours, it's Count Master Dooku, but sometimes we call you Yan, and stuff, because no one in fanfiction really knows your first name! Dude, do you have a first name? Or is it kinda like, that singer'Cher,' or you know, 'Bono' with just one name? Anyway-I'm a big fan of your work, totally dig it."

I think somewhere in Star Wars world history, I broke a record of some kind. Master Dooku had been rendered speechless.

I plunged on heedlessly. "-so, I'm really looking forward to meeting you and stuff, oh, and could I have your autograph, and one for my friends Jurious and Kynstar too? They're Dook fans too. But yeah, thanks! And if you don't have paper with you, you can always just sign my-"

"How did you get this number!" he sputtered out. I could almost feel his blood pressure rising, even over the connection. It was probably my intimidating aura of hotness affecting him. I got that a lot. It was always hard to be the beautiful one.

"Oh, Qui-Gon gave it to me, no worries!" I assured him, laughing a little. I could vaguely see in the background of my Dooku-induced bliss, Qui-Gon lying under the bush making all sorts of gestures at me. Funny little boy. "He got shot, by the way. He might be cute but he's pretty dumb. Just so you know ahead of time, he'll probably blame the whole getting-shot-thing on me, you know, with him being a constant and perpetual liar."

"Qui-Gon's injured!"

"Yeah, I actually saved his life. I guess you two owe me what you call a life debt!" I chuckled obviously.

"Just tell me what happened to my Padawan." He growled through the link. "Is he alright?"

"He won't shut up, or keep the force to himself, so I'm sure he'll live." I glanced toward Qui-Gon and stuck my tongue out at him. I was still miffed about the mind trick.

Dooku's voice was somewhat disdainful. "And just who are you, again?"

"Charm." I could feel my face growing red. There was a lengthy pause over the connection. I frowned. "Charm from Washington, DC." I chewed my lip. "I work in a coffee shop. Um, do you like coffee?"

Qui-Gon's voice cut through mine. "Master, if you can hear me, please ignore Charm! I've been injured and can't quite move, but trace my coordinates from the comlink signal, and please find us. We don't have a lot of time to work with!"

Dooku was silent a moment, and I heard a beep as he traced us. "Right-tell Qui-Gon I shall be there shortly, if that's not too much for you." He murmured distractedly.

I glowered at the comlink, as if somehow my angry eyes could shoot through the metal and make him feel guilty about being short with me. "Hey, listen punk, you think I can't handle telling Quiggy something then you have another thing coming, why don't you just stick that little attitude into your lightsaber and SMOKE IT!"

Dooku said nothing. I don't think he could think of anything to say. I had really showed him, I think.

"Charm!" Qui-Gon yelled suddenly.

I spun. "Oh, what is it now!" A little zip of something went over my head, and I screamed. "Qui-Gon, you jerk-my gosh-did you just throw..." I paused mid-rant, terror suddenly drying out my words. "...oh..." I swallowed. "...fuzzy." The war party had found us again.

Through a cloud of dust, I could see big floppy animals that looked like some horrible deer/horse/camel cross charging towards us. Splendid of splendidness! This time, they had mounts! As the thundering of hooves rose in my ears, and I felt the desperate desire to flee for my life and leave Qui to his stompy doom.

Just when I had decided to run for it, Qui-Gon moved. It was times like these I was glad I was with a Jedi.

Instead of hiding, Qui-Gon hardly flinched, pushing himself up valiantly and igniting his saber. The creatures the tribesmen were riding screeched in alarm at the sudden beam of glowing light from out of nowhere. I didn't see where he was going with the whole lightsaber waving bit, until the panicked animals broke formation. Woo! Qui and Charm, one; angry mob of tribesmen and weird looking horse-things, zero! I scurried over to hide behind Qui-Gon, as it seemed the safest place to be.

He sensed me, and spoke, his voice shaking. "Charm-please pay attention to me, your life depends on it-" I could of rolled my eyes. No duh I would pay attention. He was really dumb sometimes. I mean-what else was I going to be paying attention to, it's not like–oh, he was still talking. "-I can't last long, here, just place your back against mine, and..." The pieces began to click.

"You're going to use me as your kick stand!"

"Charm, or I'll fall over, and you can't fight!" he squeaked, watching the natives regroup.

"I resent that generalization!"

"But, you can't!"

"I am rubber, you are glue, what ever you say bounces off of me and sticks to--"

"Just-ah!" his leg went out, and I darted forward to catch him. A human shield isn't very good if it's not standing up straight.

"Qui-Gon!" I whined to him, clinging to his limp form. "Protect me!"

"Charm!" He seemed almost angry now. I found that pretty amusing, to be honest. I would have taunted him if it hadn't been for the whole mortal peril situation. "Were you even listening to me in the slightest! I can't stand. Just let me lean against you, I can block shots from this direction, and you can use your blaster to cover the other side. Do you understand?"

"Um, yeah, don't worry Qui-Gon, I'll protect you from the scary horses."

"What are you even talking about?"

The tribe had gotten their rides under control, and seemed to be reforming for another charge. I felt myself beginning to panic. "Um, I'm talking about...ah..." The horse-creatures reared up, and a couple of them made scary snorty noises. Yeah, they were definitely about to charge. Hmm. Change of tactics time. "Qui-Gon, your plan sucks!" I screamed, leaping away from him and into the open. "I'm running for it! Every woman for herself time!" I took off with several huge leaps. I hadn't really gotten but five foot from Qui-Gon when I heard the ominous hiss of darts-yes-darts, plural, flying at me. Um, whoops.

I don't even really remember hitting the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **Woo, two chapters for the price of one!

Voices.

"Who is she?"

"I honestly don't know, she hasn't given me a straight answer. I found her lying in the middle of the desert, but she can't have been there for long, or the heat would have already killed her. I thought she might have come from a caravan, but she doesn't have any memories of it, and she's not dressed like a nomad." A weighty Qui-Gon-like sigh. "Where ever she came from, she's obviously deranged."

"Yes, that much is evident." Dooku's voice-yes, it was unmistakably Dooku's-sounded strained. "Well, whatever she is, she'll live. Keep her out of the way."

A soft answer. "Yes, Master."

Dooku's voice was concerned. "You going to be alright?"

"Of course."

"I'll be in the cockpit then. See to the girl." A soft swish announced the Master's departure, and I heard another sigh from Qui-Gon's direction. My, but he was angsty!

As my eyes finally opened, I saw that I was no longer in the desert. The air around me felt cool and sterile, and my surroundings distinctly interior. The walls were bland and nondescript, and the room was apparently empty, save the cot I was lying on. Looming above me on a moody cloud was Qui-Gon. I smiled at him, trying the pained heroine look. "Hey Qui..."

He looked at me grumpily and then nodded in acknowledgment. "You're up early. My Master thought the tranquilizer would take a bit longer to..."

I interrupted him airily. "Oh-I've always been a quick healer–" I sniffed. "–and the pain isn't _too_ dreadful at the moment, I mean, it comes and goes-"

"You were only rendered unconscious by a simple sleeping drug. You shouldn't be in any pain at all."

"Oh." I murmured. I was starting to decide that I didn't like Qui-Gon so much as I had thought on Earth. Maybe Dook and I could put him in an orphanage or something before we got married. Mm, Countess of Serenno, what a lovely ring it had...

Qui-Gon gave yet another weighty sigh, and pulled himself up out of his chair. He seemed to be limping a bit. Perhaps this was the cause of all the excessive sighing. He seemed about to leave and that was no good-I didn't want to be alone in this crazy place-so I spoke up quickly. "So, um, how's your leg?"

He blinked in surprise and hesitated. Then his eyes narrowed slightly at me. "It's healing." I think he was probably remembering my apparent 'betrayal' and the whole 'left him to die' situation back in the desert place. I blushed slightly. Not that it was my fault, of course, as you'll remember.

I tried a charming smile. "Oh, yeah, too bad about that. Uh-funny things a person does when they're suffering from heat attack."

"A heat stroke, you mean?"

I shrugged. "Whatever you say, baby." I rubbed my head a bit, and sat up. "So, now, what happened when I was out?"

He glanced around the room. "I won't bore you with the details of our unlikely escape, but Dooku got us off the planet and now we're traveling through hyperspace. We should reach the nearest space port in about an hour or so."

"Wait-" I gasped, staring at him. "We're in _space!_"

"Hyperspace, yes."

"HOLY COW!"

Qui-Gon shrugged and dipped his head toward a small portal window. "You've never been in space before, I take it?"

I threw myself out of bed and toward the window, practically pressing my nose against it with glee. I could see streaks speed past, streaks I knew to be the hot white light of systems, suns and stars. They were mesmerizing. I watched them for a full minute before nodded vaguely to Qui-Gon. "No, of course I haven't been in space. You just don't get it–" I breathed distractedly, watching the bright blur of hyperspace.

Qui-Gon watched in some amusement, before limping over to stand beside me. "It's lovely, isn't it? I remember the first time I traveled through space, as a child. I was-"

"Lovely!" I laughed, interrupting his little nostalgic flashback. "Are you kidding! It's freaking weird. Think about it, Qui. There isn't anything holding us up. A little piece of corruptible metal is all that's keeping up from floating out into infinity. If the floor wasn't under us, we'd just fall forever. Well, I guess we'd implode first. I don't know exactly. But, it's food for thought, eh?"

He looked suddenly troubled, staring down at the floor. "I-I'd never really thought about it like that-"

I shrugged and dashed past him, out of the room. "Oh, I've got to get a better look, I'm going to the cockpit!" I left him standing there, rooted to the spot.

As I left the little room, I found myself heading down a long hallway with various doors and side-passages. It was a rather bland hall, like the hallway of a cheap motel, stained with various unmentionable solutions and stinking faintly of alcohol. I skipped down for a bit, looking for Dooku. The ship was pretty small, and it seemed like we were the only ones on board. I only had to peer into a few rooms before I was in the front of the ship. After a moment, I had found Dooku, puttering around in the main cockpit, flipping between monitors.

Upon my entrance to his haven, Dooku looked up. For a moment he stared at me blankly, clearly confused by my extreme good looks–or, alternatively, he had forgotten that I was on the ship in the first place–and then his brows settled into a frown. "I thought I assigned Qui-Gon to watch you..."

I shrugged, as seeing Dooku once again had rendered me strangely mute, and flopped down in the copilot's swivel chair awkwardly.

"Alright," Dooku sighed, glancing in the direction from where I'd come. "what did you do to him? He's just a boy, you know..."

I squeaked. It was an interesting noise. "I didn't do anything! He's back in the room, confronting his fears about flying."

Dooku gave me an even stare, leaning back in his chair and tapping his fingers across the consol. "Qui-Gon doesn't have a fear of flying."

"Shows how well you know him, then!" I scoffed, bending forward to poke at the monitors.

He stiffened. "I've practically lived with Qui-Gon for seven years. I would say that I know him fairly well." Dooku stood, agitated, and flipped a button, displaying a holo map. I think he was trying to ignore me. "My Padawan does not have a fear of flying."

"Well, now he does!" I gleefully cackled, watching Dooku's face change with horror.

"What!"

My response was another snicker. For a while the cockpit was filled with tension and silence as Dooku alternatively glared at me and shook his head. I made use of this time in nicely checking out my new friend. Dooku was looking good, naturally, younger than I had known him in the movies, but still with that unmistakable Dook quality. Even exasperated, he retained his aloof sense of dignity, and I had the feeling I was in the presence of a mind far greater than my own. I quickly tired of pondering and turned back to him. "Um, so, where are we going? Coruscant?"

"Try something a bit more quaint," he hit a button on the consol and a flickering hologram of what looked like a large, misshapen ball of tin foil appeared. "Hitgat 2. It's a satellite space station."

"Um, not Coruscant?" I repeated, a bit confused. I studied the floating lump again, and then glanced back up at Dooku. Then it clicked. "Ooh, I get it." I grinned at him. "We've already been reassigned to a _new_ mission, haven't we? Not even a break between trips? Geez, that's rough. Gotta hate that Council, hm?"

"No, and we aren't going there on a-"

I cut him off, laughing companionably. "Yeah, those silly Jedi. Silly Republic. I know, 'A for anarchy,' rage against the system and all that jazz, right Dooku? I hear ya, man, I hear ya." I was definitely appealing to my audience here. And I could tell he was listening, too. I changed my tone to a softer, coyer level and leaned in closer to him. "You know, I feel the same way about the Council and everything. I have this uncanny feeling we may be soul mates--our views are so similar..."

Dooku was staring at me in silence, amazed. I was obviously the only one who had ever truly understood him. "What?" he asked weakly.

I nodded emphatically. I did indeed understand. "And it's gotta make you mad, doesn't it? The stuff with the Council... really mad." I leaned over the chair and nudged him. "Almost mad enough...to... go crazy and become a Sith? No?"

I think at this point I may have crossed a line with the Sith part. Perhaps I took it a bit too fast. Dooku snorted, rolled his eyes and stalked out. "You're insane."

"I know what you are but what am I!" I yelled after him, spinning in my copilot chair. I got no response, not surprisingly. Dooku could dish it out, but he sure couldn't take it. I studied the spinning holograph of the tin foil ball again, trying to make sense of it.

"Crazy liberal."


End file.
